I once attended a two-day workshop led by the culture-shaping division of Heidrick & Struggles, a global management consulting firm where I used to work. During the workshop, we learned a better way to respond when someone does something that upsets you. Rather than assuming negative intent in others, we learned the power of being curious.
With this approach, you slow down and ask yourself why the person might have acted the way they did. You also ask yourself if/how you might have contributed to the behavior that upset you.
Based on my experience since the workshop, you can almost always identify a reasonable explanation for another person’s behavior if you suspend your judgment. When you are honest with yourself, you will also recognize how often you did (or failed to do) something that contributed to the actions that bothered you.
While this approach is effective when other people disappoint you, it might be even more powerful when you disappoint yourself.
If you ever experience a personal setback while trying to make a change or achieve a goal, it is natural to respond negatively. You might have thoughts like these: “I can’t believe I did that. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I follow through? I don’t have any discipline.”
A better approach is to step back and be curious. Ask yourself, “How might my strategy have caused this setback, and what could I do differently next time to achieve a better result?”
For example, imagine you have been trying to form the habit of starting each workday by completing your top priority for the day, which I refer to as your Most Valuable Task or MVT.
Maybe the first two days go well, but then you have a setback. You fail to complete your MVT one morning. Rather than give up on this habit or beat yourself up for missing a day, why not be curious? Maybe your strategy was flawed.
Perhaps you underestimated how long a task would take and ran out of time before needing to pivot to a morning meeting with a colleague. Or, maybe you tried to complete your MVT with your inbox open and got distracted by a message.
By identifying the real cause of your setback, you could bounce back quickly and develop a better strategy for your next attempt. In this example, that might mean giving yourself more time in the morning to complete your MVT, not scheduling meetings too early in the day, and keeping your inbox closed when you need to concentrate.
Do not view a setback as evidence that you lack discipline or that a change or goal is not possible. Be curious and view a setback as a sign that you might want to adjust your strategy.
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About the Author
Pete Leibman helps ambitious professionals build the energy, focus, and resilience to sustain high performance. He delivers keynotes, workshops, and webinars for leading consulting firms, law firms, financial services firms, and professional associations. Pete is the author of three books and more than 300 articles on sustainable high performance. His latest book is Stronger Advisor: High-Performance Habits for Consultants, Lawyers, and Advisors.
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